Ignore this if you get triggered
'Aight, so it's the end of spring break for me. I get like this during a lot of breaks and I usually blame it on the lack of human interaction I have, but I'm fairly sure it's a ruined sleep schedule that makes me like this. "Like this" refers to me getting emotional and taking everything personally and over thinking all of it.
So yeah, this would be a rant of sorts, I'm just going to pour it all out now and post it because why the fuck not.
For starters; I want to ask when it's ok to feel and when you need to be the bigger man and grow up. I don't think I exaggerate much when I've been through a lot of shit. I'm not going to go into it now because I'm over most of it but it's had an effect on my personal development. People say I'm a push over but in my opinion I'm pretty understanding of opposite opinions and what leads people to them, funnily enough this talent allows me to correctly evaluate people if I want. This leads me to take situations in one of two ways: Be the bigger man and take the high road, or let myself get pissed and act irrationally but release my emotions. I face arguments from both sides of this predicament: "You're entitled to your emotions" and "Be understand of others". How exactly am I supposed to compromise between the two? Do I allow myself to have emotions without guilt or be the better man and not let it get me down?
On the topic of emotions, I face another two arguments with how I should feel them. "Let them all out" or "You're overreacting". I cry, a lot. I'll admit that, it's not hard at all to make me cry, but when you cry for over ten minutes over your mom not letting you retrieve your clothing item then it's apparently too much. Am I too sensitive? If I am then what do I do about it? Go back to bottling it up?
Another question that bothers me is the intensity of my emotions. Am I feeling this awful and insecure of my depression and social anxiety or am I trying to blame my emotions on something that isn't causing a problem? Am I normal or not? Coming to terms with my fragility is definitely a question I should be asking on rather I need it or not. For example; I haven't been sleeping or eating right, is this why I'm so upset and insecure or am I overthinking in general and it's entirely my fault? If I can't tell the difference between what's normal and what's not how can I treat the problem?
You know the internet can be blamed for making me ask this question. Everyone exaggerating about mental illness making me feel like mine doesn't count or it's not real and I should ignore it could very easily be poisoning me and my lifestyle and wasting my time and effort with therapy and anxiety medication. I didn't realize for years that my depression isn't something that other people have to monitor so much and I don't even know if me having to is real! Does everyone hate themselves if they don't sleep and eat well? Does everyone cry like a baby every time something happens? What's wrong with me?? Is anything wrong with me?!?
On a different topic; My relationships come into question. I've come to realize I'm not anyone's best friend. There's always a better option than me, someone who you spend more time with, someone you care about more, and it's probably my fault. I can't make the time to hang out every weekend, my parents are divorced and I need to see my dad for his sake and mine; He's the one genetically contributing to my depression and I can tell how upset he gets when I have to leave. After school I'm usually with a head ache and exhausted from the day and rarely want to hang out. This means I don't give the attention my friends need for us to be closer. So yeah there's that, but I honestly need to focus on getting my emotions in order before thinking about that.
Another thing I'd really like to see is some support for my ideas. My characters are everything to me, my storytelling is my coping method and my heart and soul and I'm so desperate for people to like it because it's a part of me and no one ever does because it's stupid or irrational and it makes me scared to share any idea. My friends have admitted they think most of my ideas are stupid and inside it crushes me because I feel like it's the only thing I'm truly good at. I don't want fake support though either. I don't know what I want exactly, other than wanting to be good enough that people like what I do.
On a less deep note; I really hate the blurry movements of camera's in movies. Like seriously, it's the twenty first century, you're killing my eyes with your fast turn around shots I can't focus on any of it and it frustrates me and stresses me out. It's an awful trend stop it let me enjoy the effort you put into this set instead of moving that fast.
Heh. That got emotional but it's nice to pour it all out. Honest Jelwolf here; Less sunshine and love than you expected huh? Everyone's fighting their own battle, let's be conscious of that and maybe be understanding enough not to make people justify emotions with mental illness.